JUDGE AND BE JUDGED?

This post is one of two that I started before my trip to Ann Arbor. I had a hard time trying to express myself, so it was put aside in what I call “my maybe file”. I have been so busy doing other projects I have not had time to write a post on my fantastic trip to Ann Arbor and Chicago. I have now decided to write that trip into two posts at a later date.

In the mean time I need to keep my few readers entertained! After my conversation with my daughter, upon which I mentioned that her Dad had married a high-maintenance individual, I decided... why not “rock the boat”and finish this post.

Along with some of the shenanigans that I do (planned or unplanned) I also have a tendency to “bungle” good times by what I say. I manage to get myself into lots of trouble sometimes; since I am an out-spoken, emotional, very inquisitive, opinionated, and blunt person who has the tendency of speaking without thinking. I also found that negative behavior will get in the way of positive behavior in the eyes of the beholder. I have found it very hard to travel and visit friends and family for extended periods of time. It is exhausting trying to hold your tongue or to think before you speak. When I do this, I feel like I am someone else walking/talking in a stranger’s shoes, therefore, not being myself. If I am around anyone for long periods of time I will eventually end up loosening-up my tongue and become too chatty or irritating. Sometimes it is hard to live in a world that judges you on what "others"considered unacceptable characteristics or behavior. I am my own worst enemy. I would rather sit at home with a good book or my computer staying out of disaster’s way. This is a great way to keep others happy and to keep myself out of trouble. To be honest, at this point in my life, I like who I am and my “forked” tongue is part of who I am. Unfortunately, I have developed the "attitude", accept it, or move on. LOL, this includes my occasional curse words that I like to use.

Have you ever wished you could be judged in the world of a child? I do, for my grand kids see me in an entirely different light. They look at the positive and accept ME. They listen to what you have to say/share. LOL, Sometimes they listen too carefully. Unfortunately, this will not last long. As children grow-up, overhear adults talk, and mature they begin to see you through another’s eye; not necessarily their own, and they become judges too. I have found that people tend to dwell on the negative and rarely see the positive aspects of a person.

I do try not to judge people. It is very hard and without realizing it, I quite often fail; especially, when it comes to defending or protecting those that you love. I too possess judgmental characteristics I find irritating in others. Behaviors that in another person’s eye may be acceptable, yet these behaviors drive me nuts and sometimes to bouts of anger. (Back stabbers, whiners, making excuses for negative behavior, blaming others for their own transgressions, make-believe friendliness, selfishness, pouting, cheating, lying, snobbery, acting like someone you are not, insincerity, hypocrites, acting one way towards a person one day, but in front of others acting differently… are just a few). Sometimes good manners “suck;" especially, when you have to be nice to someone publicly who you really do not particularly like. (Typically, I will ignore or “TRY” to move away from this person; hoping I will stop myself from saying or doing something I might regret.) When I “suck it up" and try to be nice I feel like I am being dishonest with myself; and I do not like this person I have become. Actually, it is a "NO win" situation for if you ignore someone you have bad manner; but if you are nice, when you really do not mean it, you then become a hypocrite. I have learned through the years that I personally rather someone simply not be friendly towards me when they really do not mean it.

My husband is very much a “low maintenance person” and, fortunately/or unfortunately, I am just the opposite. I have discovered it is usually easier for me, as well as others, to accept the “low maintenance” person. They are easier to get along with: they are kinder, low-keyed emotionally, not overly opinionated, less excitable, less temperamental, easy going, more accepting to others feelings, and have less material needs and desires.

I have found that as a “high-maintenance” individual, people expect them to be something that they are not. They expect a person to change their ways to meet the expectations that are acceptable in the eyes of the beholder. I have often wondered if those who do the judging have ever seriously looked at themselves and see their own flaws. With a “high-maintenance” person, people tend not to take the energy to really listen when they express themselves. No one realizes this unless they are "high-maintenance" themselves, how totally frustrating this can be. It is like you have wasted your time and energy. Solution... Quit talking and just write. I have found this to be especially true after I began this blog. People tend to read and find issue “good or bad” on what it is you have written. They can continue to read, or with a click of a mouse on the “X, " flip you off  if they are too pissed to read what you have written; therefore, unknown to the person doing the writing. Taking “issue” means that they have paid attention to the written word. Maybe they will understand the issue or the person a little better after it has been read.

When people are listening or partially listening they tend to be too busy at the time to really pay attention. Most people have an agenda of their own, they are bored, or whatever other excuses that may be present at that time; so it is easier to tune-out and half-hear to what is being said. I am bad about doing this, especially if I am reading.  We all do this to some extent. Maybe that is why I enjoy reading so much. I am listening/reading the written word, agreeing or disagreeing, with what is written within my own comfort level without interruption.

I guarantee I have gotten your attention for a short period of time. Why! You read what was written. Whether you like or comprehend what you have read is not significant. What is significant is whether you understood or cared about what was written.

(Exception: The written word has to be read first before opinions or knowledge can be formulated or evaluated. Look at all one misses by not reading or listening.)

Respectfully submitted, Susan Livingston Thompson

THE IMPORTANCE OF FAMILY REUNIONS

As I begin this post, I am on the interstate headed to our annual family reunion. (Isn’t technology awesome?) This year (2009) we are headed to Helen/Sautee, Georgia. Supposedly, we will have approximately 40 people at this year’s reunion. I am especially excited because all the immediate James Thompson family will be there. Lacy and Jay, who are expecting their first baby in January, will be coming from Michigan. Paige, Fred, Claire and Wes are headed down from the Charlotte area. It will be a grand homecoming for us all. My sister, Strawn will be joining us again this year. All the Thompson brothers (Charles, Harper and Jim) are going to be there as well. When I joined the Thompson family there were six sisters and one brother (Ellene, Vivian, Frances, Bette, Wilma and John). Today only Wilma and Bette are alive and "kicking". They too will be there.

“We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.”-- Erma Bombeck

I especially will  be excited about seeing Sandra. She was my best friend from high school and the only one, except for my sisters, who was in my wedding. She and her husband Joe live close to Helen. She is headed to our high school reunion in Summerton, SC on Thursday; so I will get to see her a very short period of time. I will be grateful for the time we'll be together for I love her dearly; and if the family voting goes like I am hoping it will, I will see her again next year.

I will never forget my first reunion. I was a brave soul back then and went to this reunion with my fiancé’s family. (WITHOUT my fiancé.) (NOTE: I do realize this was NOT the picture taken in 1968. I am unable to located that particular picture.) I was treated like a queen. Jim’s Dad shocked everyone by stopping several times at roadside stands so I could buy boiled peanuts, fresh plums, and peaches. I was warned that Daddy "T" never stopped on his way to Florida and to do so for me was a complete shock. (After that first trip, Mama "T" would whisper to me, ask Daddy "T" to stop for boiled peanuts.)  So I would smile, ask excitedly, and sure enough he would pull over. I only know of FIVE men in my life that I completely loved. (My husband, my Son, my Dad, Gay Livingston and John Thompson) Daddy Thompson treated me like a lady. He was a quiet spoken man who loved and was devoted to his wife Clara. It was obvious how much he loved his three boys and his sisters. He was always teasing me and challenging me to complete task I would tend to put off or not do. I still miss him. It’s as simple as that!

“Family life is full of major and minor crises -- the ups and downs of health, success and failure in career, marriage, and divorce -- and all kinds of characters. It is tied to places and events and histories. With all of these felt details, life etches itself into memory and personality. It's difficult to imagine anything more nourishing to the soul.”-- Thomas Moore

Again I have gotten on one of those “a long ways around the barn tangents.”  I had never been to a family reunion and did not know what to expect. Other than my four sisters, their children and kids, Cousin Alec, and cousins we do not know in Alabama; we are all that exist on my side of the family.

The 1st reunion was called the Rowe-Barber reunion. The Thompson branch of the reunion got so big that we started having our own yearly reunion. The majority of the family was either from Florida or South Carolina, so we alternated between the two states. Our first Thompson reunion was at the Fish Camp in Florida. These last two years we traveled to Gatlinburg, Tennessee. (Two relatives, Bo Kirkland and John H. Thompson now reside in Tennessee.) You might want to say that we have a "traveling reunion;" and surprisingly, quite a large portion of the family come every year. A lot of us use the family reunion, not only as a time to get reacquainted with each other, but to take a vacation at the same time.

As I sit here drinking from my new coffee cup that Sandra gave me, (acting like the QUEEN) listening to all these relatives throughout this very large house talking and laughing together, some playing cards/Scattergories, smelling good ole fashion home cooking, and children yelling/crying/running up the stairs has given me a warm feeling of belonging. It's certainly a blessing to be a part of this Thompson family.

This year was special for Pat and Charles. They celebrated their 50th Wedding Anniversary. (Oh, how lucky you two are, WOW!) Claire, our Granddaughter, and Debra B. both celebrated their birthdays, as well.

As I sit here, I wished my visit with Sandra hadn’t been so short and I hadn't been so tired. We did not get to share our usual gossip and secrets. She and Joe live in this impressive old home with an absolutely beautiful view. What really makes me upset is that I did not take any pictures of Sandra or her home. I am the camera bug! To make matters worse, we discussed and looked at pictures; and I still did not bring out the camera. Watch out next year, Sandra, my camera will not stop clicking. She fixed us lunch. The lunch was pasta, one of  her Mom's (Grace) yummy recipes. She also had a pasta salad which was one of her own  recipes.  I really need to call her for the recipe. (I already have Grace's recipe.)  (Surprise, surprise…my husband actually ate pickled beets and liked them.)

Day three, I have noticed that I keep leaning away from my topic. Each of us share a part of ourselves in bringing the reunion together. Our end of the family had Friday’s breakfast. I was also responsible for the scrapbook. (Four Years) Thank goodness next year will be Nicci’s turn. After four years I am running out of ideas; therefore, I look forward to seeing fresh eyes looking at the family from a younger perspective.

Sandra Pricher, our president, was the organizer. She sent out reminders, determined who was coming, kept account of who would be responsible for meals, and ordered t-shirts, etc: She did a great job bringing all of us together before and during the reunion. Considering that she had a major fall, stitches, and a black-eye on the way to the reunion; and she still managed to still keep everything running smoothly is a major accomplishment within itself. I am in awe on how well she managed.

“Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible -- the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.”-- Virginia Satir

To me the whole reunion should really be centered towards the young adults and kids. They will be the future that will keep the Thompson clan together. Awhile ago, I saw and heard a very promising sight. As mention previously, Lacy is pregnant and they were entertaining Lacy with tales of past experiences and advice. Their laughter rocked the house. It brought back memories of my kids when they were young and my students when they got into these in-depth discussions and would laughed at whatever struck their fancy. Just watching and listening to them made me feel young at heart and optimistic of many Thompson reunions in the future. “Family faces are magic mirrors looking at people who belong to us, we see the past, present, and future”. -- Gail Lumet Buckley

Well, it has taken me three weeks to get back to this post. I wrote another post and decided it might be a good time to finish this one. The last night before going home we had a big family gathering. It was decided that we would again have the reunion in Helen around the end of July, 2010. (Look out, Sandra, I am headed your way. Maybe the Summerton High School reunion will not be at the same time.) Our reunion will be Thursday –Sunday next year. We  may be leasing two houses, since the reunion has grown so big. Each family unit will be responsible for meals again next year.

The most beautiful/potent/sad part of our reunion was Kay reading to us a “Remembrance of Frances Woodward”, who passed away in January. To me, Frances was a delightful, straight-forward lady who was always interested in family (I called her the family Historian) and what we were doing. You never knew what she would say next. I could easily identify with her and on occasion…so would my shoulder or arm? (I never knew when her pinch was headed my way.) She always made me feel a part of the family. I totally enjoyed every minute I spent with her.  I have been blessed with her presence in my life. Kay did a simply beautiful heart-warming remembrance of Frances. It was evident that she spent a tremendous amount of time writing it and I truly feel Frances would have been proud of how it was written and presented.

“You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them.”-- Desmond Tutu

Family and life continue to evolve. What will next year bring?

In each family a story is playing itself out, and each family's story embodies its hope and despair. Auguste Napier

ADDENDUM:  We just had our 2011 reunion,  Debbie was an absolutely great President. She was very organized and precise, friendly and a "fun" president.  The scrapbook, organized by Kim Sullivan, was super.  As you can see, it has been two years since I first wrote this post.  I had intended to come back and correct my many error.  I hope I found most of them.  If not, please call and I will attempt to correct all errors in a timely matter.

SOME WIVES ARE LUCKY...I AM ONE OF THEM

Have you ever read something and cannot get what you read out of your head? Well I made the mistake of NOT taking my book of choice into the eye doctor’s office recently and picked up a magazine to keep me busy. I am not one of those that read many magazines except for cooking, computer or photo oriented ones. I use to read a lot of National Geographic, Life, Time, Discover and other science magazines, but since I retired I do not gravitate toward them anymore. So I randomly picked up a magazine. I just know it was one I normally do not read and started reading an article about different types of husbands you do/do not want to marry. Before I even started the article I thought to myself, yeah, I bet women would apply to these same characteristic as well. How would you know what type of husband you will be getting in the first place for you have not married him yet. A bad habit of mine is finding the negative before I even begin to read. Number one on the list was the “abusive” husband. Pointing out that physical abuse was not only appalling but so was being a victim to psychological and mental abuse as well. I shudder when I think about these women who have to suffer because of men like this. Thank God, I am one of those lucky women who was blessed with a husband like Jimmy.

Number two on the list was the “gigolo.” I think this is one of the reasons I cannot put this article mentally aside for as I read the article I thought about my friend, Jeri who was a classmate at Brenau University. She got fooled by such a guy. In fact he had all of us fooled. (Handsome, polite, full of great entertaining tales, neat dresser, smart, sense of humor) She was one of those extremely nice people, a friend and my Bridge Partner. (We won the majority of the time) Jeri was one of many of my classmates that came from a very affluent family. but what made her unique was her photogenic memory. She would isolate herself in her room for about two weeks and read her text books like they were a novel, go to class and for the rest of the semester she found other things to do. She was an “A” student. She was brilliant along with being very attractive. She was fun to be around and well liked. Anyway, she ended up married to him and very soon afterwards they were divorced. After he got the divorce, he even admitted to Jeri and her friends (I being one of them) that the reason he married her was for her money. He was not only a jerk, but an asshole. He took her/parents for a bundle and along with that her self-esteem. We lost contact and through the years, I have periodically thought about her. She used to live in Atlanta. I have tried to find her on the internet, Classmates and Facebook, so far to no avail. I know she became a Doctor of some sort and I have always wondered if she found a “soul mate” that made her happy.

Thirdly, there was the “Out of Towner,” the guy with wife and kids at home and a mistress in another port. I guess if we are from South Carolina, we can identify with this one. This news hit the papers after I read the article. LOL Unfortunately this has happened to a few of my acquaintances in my life time which is really sad and disgusting. While the teacher was teaching, husband was out getting his “jollies.” Again, I am one lucky lady.

Then there is Macho Man…marries and has kids. He then paints the town with his presence and is rarely at home. He likes to party and have a good time and then will go home to his little wife that will wait on him hand and foot. One of the guys in the article, Billy, actually said he was “The Man” and it was up to his wife to provide him with what he needed when he was so inclined to need it. A woman should wait on a man after all he was the major bread earner in the family. It didn’t matter if she contributed to the household or not. Gee, I thought that way of thinking went out in the 60’s. I never realized how “female rights” oriented until I read that one. Here again, I am pretty independent when I want to be. Nothing bothers me more than for someone to tell me what to do. I tend to go in the opposite direction. This is one of my bad qualities for I can be too head-strong at times.

Let us not forget the “Couch-Potato.” Why couch-potato, why not recliner-potato or bed-potato? To be more difficult, why ruin the good name of the potato which is one of my favorite foods? The only potato I am not a fan of is the French-fry potato, but I will eat them on occasion, especially if they are spicy. Why do most people refer to men when they talk about a “couch potato” for I know many women that would fall in that category too? Anyway, the article refers to the lazy home guy. He goes to work, comes home, and heads for a reclining position. He thinks it’s the wife’s responsibility whether she works or not to take care of the household (dusting, moping, laundry, vacuuming, picking up the clothes he dropped, dishes, and kids). He makes excuses for not helping such as a bad day at work, tired, doesn’t feel well, doesn’t know how to do this or that and never had to learn. Some husbands are so extreme that they will walk over an item on the floor and never pick it up. He will not put trash in the trash container even if it is at his fingertips. He will put dirty dishes in the sink or on the counter without bothering to rinse them or place them in a drainer or dish washer, if available. He will occasionally help with the kids. It does not matter if the wife is sick, tired, or she too had a bad day at work. The husband simply thinks the household chores can be put off until SHE feels better. Household cleanliness and safety is not an issue. I cannot begin to name the amount of husband and wives that that I know and have known that fall in this category. Many husbands today actually believe that it is unmanly to help with housework. This too is an attitude that went out with the 60’s. They think they are “king of the hill”. This particular statement caught my attention, “Thank goodness jerks are not born that way, but for whatever reason came to be that way.” Again I fall into “boy am I lucky.” I am a jerk on occasion, but my husband…NEVER!

Jim and I were both teachers and coaches. Occasionally, we both held two jobs. When Jim and I got married we had an understanding that we would share in household duties. We did not have a spotless house, but we did have a tidy home. I was always scared of tripping over stuff, especially at night, so anything on the floor was picked up before bed time and our dishes washed. Safety was a big issue with me. Weekends or when company was on the way WE made an extra effort to dust and mop. Early in our marriage it was discovered that Sue was not to do the laundry, especially after Paige and Jay entered our lives. They did not appreciate purple/pink underwear, etc; so Jim became the major laundry man. Now, retired I will occasionally do laundry and Jim prays he doesn’t end up with pink, blue or green T-shirts. (I do NOT do his Park Ranger uniforms) Thank goodness for toilet brushes and cleaners for I do NOT like to do toilets or clean bathrooms. Jim many times did this for me too. (Believe me, he is very much appreciated) We now have his/her bathrooms so we are responsible for our own. I can remember many times Jim would pull down the ironing board and iron my son or daughter’s clothes. I will have to say my Mom kept a very clean orderly house/home and this was passed on to the four sisters. My Dad did the cooking, bathrooms, and outside work. The sisters had to keep their rooms clean and periodically help fold laundry. If there was a clean freak in the family it would be Strawn, followed closely by Peggy. Although, as a kid Peg was not that way by any means.

Lord, I sure got off on a tangent again. I will NOT go back and erase since I went to the trouble of typing it. Another type of husband that caught my interest was the X-husband. The one who believes it was solely the wife’s fault for all that went wrong in their marriage. The theory that it takes two to tango, two to make love and argue, and two to work on making a marriage work was beyond his comprehension. It was okay that he kept losing his job and did not contribute to the household; it was her fault he gambled, it was her fault he got caught with another woman; it her fault they did not communicate with each other, it was her fault he was drunk all the time or he used drugs, it was her fault he was abusive, it was her fault the kids were scared of him, etc. I honestly cannot remember one of my friends who have gotten a divorce during the last 41-years of being married to Jim that both in some small way must have contributed to why their marriage did not last. Jim and I did not have a perfect marriage, but we did work at it and did not give up on each other. Lack of communication in my opinion is the number one reason marriages do not last.

I did not get a chance to read the rest of the article about the loud-obnoxious husband, the know-it-all husband, king of the household husband, the athletic husband, the butt-lazy husband, the clean freak husband, etc. (I can’t remember them all.) I went back a week later when I had to see the eye-doctor again and could not find that magazine. I was totally frustrated for I hate to read something and not finish it. For the life of me I could not remember for sure which magazine/or issue it might have been. I know if anyone was watching the way I going from table to table flipping through those magazines must have thought I was nuts. Believe it or not, except for the abusive husband, the article was humorously written in a sarcastic sort of way that made it a good, interesting read.

I do know my hubby did not fall in any of those categories. If any of you remember reading this article by all means tell me where to find it or make a copy of it and send it to me. In the mean time, I will appreciate what a great husband I have got and thanks, Jim…James...Jimmy…Coach…husband…Dad... for 41 super years. Happy Anniversary!

Addendum: This morning upon awakening and going to the kitchen I found this awaiting me. My husband does little things like this for me all the time. How lucky can a gal get than to have such a thoughtful husband? Thanks “James” I Love YOU.